Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa


The next day meeting her in the bus and not breaking down was one of the hardest things I ever did. College was a nightmare, and I came home early that afternoon. I decided that I would travel by bike to college hence forth, until I was strong enough to see her again.


Two days later I did not see him on the bus, and I wondered what was happening, I figured he was avoiding me.... well it was natural. if only he had not asked me and if only I had said NO to begin with.


College was good and in a moment of josh I decided to speak to her in the evening, I invited her to come with me on the bike and suprisingly she assented.


He asked me to go back home with him, I was relieved he was able to speak to me and I readily assented.


In retrospect, speaking to her that day must surely rank among one of the dumbest things I did. And then began the real life version of Kabhi Haan Kabhi Na

Friday, May 26, 2006

The day after

News takes time to sink in: good news or bad news .. things did not sink the evening of the phone call. I do not remember if I slept well that night, I do remember that the next day was horrible. I really thought I could not go lower than the previous night, I was WRONG !!

I decided that the only way to get over things was to concentrate on work ... that resolution lasted for 30 minutes... finally, decided to escape my parents suspicions by driving to my friend's house. Let us call him Anand.

An aside: one of the best support groups I have in life is this close set of friends .. around four of them... we are really close and would do anything to help the other person ..

And now I went to Anand's place. It was a 3 hour long talk, interspersed with a lot of crying, when I did drive back, I was far better ... strong enough to face college the subsequent day, strong enough to see her in the bus stop the next day, strong enough to travel in the same bus the next day ..

far stronger........

Monday, May 22, 2006



He called me and there was palpable tension as he was 2 horrible hours on the phone, with him pleading that the relation should continue and it would be unethical to terminate it.

"That's unfair.. you can not do this to me!!"

"I am a very bad person, I am sorry."


It is so easy to bad mouth yourself and get away from a commitment, is it not ?

When I realised the pleading and blaming would not work, I lost it .. wild claims of having lost the will to live, etc... you get it .... the ramblings of a spurned lover.


When he spoke about never being able to forget it , I was getting a bit freaked. I did realise that it was just ramblings, not dissimilar to a drunken man.

"Okk, I guess this is the end, I am dissapointed."


That was a final ditch effort to cause guilt.


A wave of guilt washed over me. I kept firm. My future was more important than his short term emotions.

"I am sorry, Best of luck with your future."


And that was the first among the many breakups in the on and off relation.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The First breakup


I had told him that I would speak to my sister and call him later in the day, I kept waiting for him to call me, I knew it was going to be one emotional breakup, but it was something I had to do.... I mean I could find better, and it was better to break early than later in the relation. I was expecting it to be bad, I never realised how bad it would be.


I kept waiting for her call.. it never happened, late that night I called her... I aldready knew what she was going to say....I prepared myself to be strong... I still could not believe that she was paying so much attention to her sister's "advice".. litte did I know, that the sister story was a gentle way of telling you that you were not good enough.. people learn... I learnt it the hard way

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Part 3: The one where the break up began


Once I had agreed to his proposal, I told a couple of close friends about this, and they both felt that I could have got a better guy. This started me of on a chain of thoughts and I tentatively decided to break things up a bit... maybe I was too young for this, however I did not want to be blunt about it... so I mentioned that I would speak to my sister and decided that I would use her words as a reason. The previous night, as we were chatting I was really sweet to him to reduce and prepare him for the hurt.


Everything was so great, until the day she started talking about postponing dating since it may attract the wrong kind of attention. I was vaguely worried, but I guess I trusted her .. little was I to know how things would change dramatically the next day. Do you notice the last conversation before a break is always extra nice and special ?

Monday, May 15, 2006

Part 2: The question

When I woke up that morning, things were different, he was in love with me, now I had to decide. Thinking back, what happened was avoidable. Off course one is always wiser in hindsight.
We ended up meeting in a park outside M G Road.

"So, you are serious right about this entire thing?"

That was one of the longest nights. I was hoping against hope that she would agree, maybe it would have been better if she had said no to begin with..

"Off course I am serious, you know me well enough, I hardly interact that much with girls, and I definetly do not play about with people's emotions. Trust me I am serious. I love you and no one else."

We spoke for a long time. In essence I agreed to the concept of us. It was a lovely feeling, to think in terms of "us" rather than me.

Yet I had this gnawing doubt, I mean I could have done better than him. A lot of people are politically righteous, when they claim that external appearances do not matter yada yada yada, but well all of us are tiny hypocrites on the inside.

There seemed to be this restraint about her. She did not seem incredibly happy. I was not sure if she was always restrained in expressing emotions or whether there was something wrong.

"What's wrong, you seem unhappy.. is there something on your mind?"
"Oh no!, I am fine, I am so happy!!!"

And that was the first lie

Looking back,that was the first lie

I said Yes, the delight on his face was incredidble. We drove back home, looking forward to a nice future together, yet there was this small doubt in my mind

It was the happiest day ever, she said yes, she said yes.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was no longer single. Thats right, I was committed.
The next day morning, I was speculating that it really was not tht difficult to get into a relationship.

Famous last words

To be continued..

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Part 1: The beginning


It had began 2 years ago, I had known him before that for quite some time. A friendship blossomed which turned into something more. One day he popped the question rather unconventionally over the phone .... I was not averse to the idea, but ... My sister had once been in a similar situation and her love was not well received by my parents. Also I did like Vimal, he was nice to hang about with...but did I love him?
I asked him for a days time and settled upon a rendezvous the next morning in a park....


I asked her!!!!.. I asked her at last!!!. She seemed positive, but was reffering to some earlier incident in her house... Still she asked me to meet up in a park in true filmi style. All I could think of today is whether she would say yes on the morrow.

To be continued